lets just say, “I still dont wanna talk about it”….someday i’ll replace these words with….whatever.
i made this video in June…you can tell I’m backtracking on my bloggy posts… Its Dec, I’m snowed in in Santa Fe and this particular post was and still is too difficult to write…ohh well
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I had the most wonderful 30 something birthday ever! On the 4th, Shelly, Brandon, Emaree, Yuvall and Johnny and I went and rented swan boats on town lake with a picnic….it was magical. Plastic cups of wine and pastries went to my head and the most perfect calm came over me. I felt sure of myself and the past obstacles of the last few years melted away with the warm spring day. They say people born in the springtime suffer more, but on this day it all went away. I had my new lappy, and more importunately a new independence in an recent acquisition of an Airstream motorhome….so much to look forward to.
Well anyway, we had a blast. Brandon rode his pettycab loaded with goodies down Lamar blocking traffic all the way as we followed. The swans themselves were rather clunky, but lots of swimming ensued! We came back to the Forest for roasty feast and buzzed hanging on my hoop upside down in my tattered red circus dress.
On my actual birthday, the 5th was very quiet. Stevie called me and asked if i wanted to go to Barton Springs…of course. He had no idea it was my birthday, i had no intention of reminding him. We had easy conversation and sat silently all afternoon on the rocks on the “doggy side” of the springs. That would be the last time i would ever see him.
I am a blessed girl, i have everything i needed…even a fresh new tattoo on my elbow from Stevie. The assurance of new experience ahead, good friends, my work had payed off. Gratitude was making me cry.
But that means nothing when you feel another’s suicidal pain, especially when another previous brother’s death looms over your head like a snow storm in spring.
….but my birthday was amazing…
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Mary Quite Contrary 